"I am not a live person"

VRS Interpreting in the “Machine Age”

The feeling of dread starts when you see the 800-number that the Deaf person wishes to call. It increases when you are greeted in ASL not by a warm HELLO but by an insistent, “LIVE PERSON! LIVE PERSON! IMPORTANT LIVE PERSON!”

You probably wish you could say: “You and everyone else in the world!” Or “You think I don’t want a live person? I would give my right arm to get a live person”. Or “You wanna bet you don’t get a live person? You have a better chance of flying to the moon than getting a live person.”

But you nod, smile and place the call. Then what happens? You hear a friendly sounding voice say, “Thank you for calling Comcast/Verizon/AT&T. Your call is important to us. So before I can help you I need to get a little information so I can direct your call to the right person. Please tell me in a few words the reason for your call.” So you sign all that with a friendly face that perfectly matches the friendly voice. You look happy, open, ready and eager to help.

Then what happens? The Deaf caller begins the epic story: LETTER-POINT SAY ME OWE $310. IMPOSSIBLE! ME FINISH PAY LAST MONTH…, The voice says a little less warmly this time, “I’m sorry, I did not understand your answer. Let’s try again.”


What is really going on here? Is there an actual friendly person on the phone talking with the Deaf caller? Of course there isn’t. I have a strong desire to sign a more accurate representation of the reality of these business calls. I imagine delivering the following with a blank face and robot-like movements.

HELLO. I AM NOT A LIVE PERSON. I AM A MACHINE. OUR COMPANY SAVES MONEY BY EMPLOYING AS FEW LIVE PEOPLE AS POSSIBLE. THEREFORE, THIS CALL WILL BE FRUSTRATING AND ANNOYING. WE DON’T CARE. WE HOPE YOU GIVE UP AND GO TO OUR WEBSITE AS THAT WILL SAVE US EVEN MORE MONEY. IF YOU INSIST ON CONTINUING WITH THIS CALL, YOU WILL HAVE NO CONTROL OVER IT, I RETAIN COMPLETE CONTROL. AND THERE ARE MANY RULES YOU MUST FOLLOW, BUT I WON’T TELL YOU WHAT THEY ARE. OH, ALL RIGHT, HERE ARE A FEW: SPEAK ONLY WHEN I TELL YOU TO. DO NOT GIVE ANSWERS LONGER THAN 3 WORDS. WHEN I ASK FOR YOUR ACCOUNT NUMBER, DO NOT ENTER IT TOO SLOWLY OR TOO QUICKLY. IF YOU DO, YOU WILL HAVE TO START OVER. I COULDN’T CARE LESS IF YOU HAVE TO START OVER FIFTEEN TIMES. I ONLY HAVE A FRIENDLY SOUNDING VOICE TO MITIGATE YOUR FEELINGS OF FRUSTRATION AND POWERLESSNESS AND TO HIDE THE FACT THAT I AM AN IMPERSONAL, UNFEELING MACHINE.